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BACHELORETTE IN 60 SEC: Back to School and Sabotage!

Buckle up, kids! Tonight's episode is EPIC. 

There's so much to unpack and that's just in the preview...

Righto, da boyz are really sad because they lost “four very good guys” last night and it's evident that a "brotherhood" has already been built. 

We are supremely aware that a stylist is dressing da boyz, and following on from last night's skinny jeans dress code, tonight they have gone for various tones of navy, greys and black.

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Except for Luke. Luke looks like a sexy lumberjack. Everybody should be more like Luke.

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Speaking of, Luke comes in with a date card in which they’ve all been “keenly” waiting on and they discuss that James, Mackane, Blake and Ryan are the only "original" ones yet to go on a single date.

Luke announces to the group that the "most manliest man" gets the date and everybody is absolutely bloody stoked. Including us. But especially James.

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Ryan says that his patience is being tested and to be honest, we are a little scared of him.

Queue date.

James waits patiently in Circular Quay and looks around for Sophie who arrives by water taxi. He smiles that dorky smile and waves at her like a school kid, which he's so wonderfully perfected.

Since Sophie loves performing (hello Bardot), she's decided that James should love performing too and much to his horror (and ours TBH), they are going to perform on a street.

James, forever the optimist and best guy in the world, decides to "embrace the unknown and have fun with it", meanwhile looking like he is going to vom.

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What started as the perfect date, has now turned into James' biggest fear and he thinks he'd prefer to go shark diving. Ploise.

When they get back to Circular Quay (Excuse me, but where did they even go in the water taxi), a legit roped off stage with props is waiting for them. And there are people. Lots of people....

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TINY PEOPLE WITH SUNGLASSES!

Anyway, James looks like he wants to cry and because we can only imagine what is coming, we want to as well.

Sophie starts to rap, because of course and James just starts "moving". Also known as "breakdancing". Sophie loves it. 

I on the other hand had to look away A LOT because this sh*t embarasses me but you've got to hand it to James for just going with it.

"It's sunny outside and I'm happy to be here..." James' turn to rap. God this is actually bloody great.

Body rolls, breakdancing, ribbon twirling, VOGUE. We cannot.

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"The things you do for love!" James says, and we honestly think he is perfect.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion...

"Ryan enters with quite a large package...in his hands." says resident 5 year old, Sam. We get it...penis joke.

Umm excuse me Ryan, but you are not Osh Kosh and we demand that only Osh Kosh reveals the dates... p.s where is he?

It's a group date and Blake, Mack, Sam, Stu, AJ, Ryan and the english guy make it.

Jarrod looks like he is about to kill everyone and you can feel his desperation through your very core.

Pfft, don't worry guys. His name gets called too because we couldn't and he couldn't and just thank you.

Oh, we forgot about the large package. Inside? SCHOOL UNIFORMS!

Yasssss! Luke, Apollo and James in a school uniform. Oh. They will not be participating and our dreams are crushed.

OOOOH! A TEST!

Stu reveals he left school 27 years ago, which if you do the math, is like the combined age of all the other contestants/suitors/lovers/what do we call them?

Jarrod thinks he has this in the bag because it must be about Sophie and because Jarrod is a stalker-mc-stalkerson, he will ACE THIS BRA!

Can someone get rid of this guy already? **Rolls eyes** We know you pay attention, Jarrod. WE KNOW.

Meanwhile, Sophie and James are on the second half of their date. 

They are at a rooftop bar in Sydney and it's romantic as all hell.

So naturally, James asks looking out at the view: “Is this like the New York skyline…?"

HUH??? Umm. K??

It’s Sydney. You live there buddy. Have you never been to a rooftop bar in Sydney?

SYDNEY.

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Oh. It’s a production segway for them to have New York style drinks. Wut?

Anyway, things get real cute (as you would expect because, James) and Sophie gets all teary.

James makes her feel really good about herself and parts of him reminds her of her Dad, which is actually so noice, because we love Sophie's Dad, Andy.

They talk babies and such and James i.e perfect man specimen says, “When the time is right it will happen” and we all just want him to propose to us plz.

James admits he didn't know Sophie was going to be Sophie before he came on the show (even though everyone knew it was going to be Sophie...) and then Sophie makes the first move and asks if she can kiss him.

He says yes, dah.

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Nawww. This is sah cute. 

James gets an immunity pin rose and Sophie says: “If you say no after this, I’ll be devo”. Us too Sophie, us too.

Their love is so lit, James describes it as "a bonfire" and TBH, we’ve totally forgotten there are other men... anywhere in the world...

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We now arrive at a real lyfe school (Sydney Boys yeww!) and our fearless idiots are all wearing school uniforms.

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Please take note of the fact that our resident cling-on human cannot do up a fly. 

SIGH. Why.

Stu plays the old person card again and says: "I left school before these guys were born”. We get it. You're old and rich. Rolly eyes.

Sophie reveals that she failed every year at school, repeated year 10 and then failed that too. Lo and behold, old mate Jarrod did too! They have sooo much in common. 

OK, it's TEST time!! Here's the rules.

There are four "tests". Someone gets knocked out each round. Final two go head to head to have a single date...

Oshy is taking his role as teacher v v seriously, and we like it.

First Test - PHYSICS!

It's a paper plane contest and they're not allowed to make a prototype or test what they've made.

"Too bad, so sad," Osher says, which takes us back to year four.

Stu makes his old school because, did you know he was older? And of course, Jarrod is going bright red from reeeeeeally wanting it. 

Stu unfortunately cannot make a paper plane, but that's OK, because he can buy Sophie one...

Jarrod's is also terrible and he FREAKS THE EFF OUT because he may be sent packing first, and that is NOT OK. And jeezus. 

Phew... Guy (whose name escapes me every time and I have to ask my colleague for the answers) and Stu are out so obviously Jarrod reacts like this....

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...And we are sad for his future wife.

Second test: PE

Osh says something about da boyz going to the "school of Shaquille O'Neill" and Sophie is unsure whether the boys are competing for her or against each other. Frankly, so are we.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Boyz.

Blake and Mack are out, which surprised everyone, even Blake.

Next. Maths.

Guys, hold onto your hats because THIS IS BAD.

I’m nervous for them all because maths is the worst and I gave it up in year 10 and this is my worst nightmare...

I got the first one wrong already. I’ve given up and left it to da boyz...

47-32=10? Jarrod. NO.

120 – 56 = 178 Sam. NO.

“You plussed it," Ryan says laughing."That’s what you did”… and for the record, Sam still got it wrong.

560 x 0 = Jarrod’s brain shuts down and says 560.

Sophie agrees with him and we all shout at the TV knowing this answer is WRONG.

To which Mackane is all of us:

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He's probably thinking: "I really hope these two don’t procreate or pass their genes onto their plants..."

Jarrod is out and so is Sam and by this point, I don't even think Jarrod cares anymore.

It's the final round between Ryan and newbie AJ. If Ryan is the smartest of the bunch… god help us all....

“You have shown some fantastic skills today,” Osh says, “You really have” and we’re not sure who he’s trying to convince.

The last test is to find out who the most “cunning linguist” is. We’re sure Sophie is keen to find out the results of this one………………………………..................................

For those who don’t know what that means, it’s S-P-E-L-L-I-N-G.

Out comes Oshy’s glasses (what a babe) because: He is so smart. SMRT.

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The spelling bee has been customised for each of Ryan and AJ's professions. A chef and a builder.

Ryan takes forever to spell 'wardrobe' which is funny because of that time he almost smashed one to pieces.

AJ is given the word 'cuisine'.

Q-I-Z. Firstly, there is no Q OR Z in CUISINE. Secondly, Is this guy for real?

No he’s not. He's thrown the damn test, decause he doesn’t “want to ruffle any feathers”. SMRT.

The best part is when the builder had to look at the judges for confirmation to see if that is how you spell it...No. It's not.

Ryan has won the spelling bee. 

OK. Phew, this episode has so much. I warned you. And I'm sorry, 60 seconds was such a massive lie.

We cut straight to Ryan and Sophie sitting on a couch outside the mansion, and they talk.

Sophie can’t tell if Ryan wants to be there or not, and is concerned because Ryan usually keeps his relationships private and sorry, but WHY are you on the Bachelorette plz?

To give you the full gravity of the next two minutes, we must repeat the rest word for word...

“Do you reckon you could fit in with my life?” Sophie asked. “If you like privacy and private…”

“I do, but If we start spending more time together and start getting more of a connection then if I think you’re worth it, then of course.” Ryan says back. OUCH.

“You don’t think I’m worth it yet?” Sophie asks shaking her head.

“Well I hardly know you Soph.”

OH NO NO NO NO NO NO NO.

Ryan gives Sophie an ultimatum to take him on a date so they can figure this stuff out and basically confirms again that he wants someone who "looks after themselves", bakes apple pie, cleans his clothes and who doesn’t swear a lot. Basically, reiterating last week’s revelation and slapping it square across her face.

“I’m like, a truck driver would be like, 'can I borrow words off you' it’s THAT bad,” Sophie admits to him.

“I want someone that loves me.” Sophie says. “I just think you should go off and meet the right girl and I’m sorry, but it’s not me.”

Ryan storms off swearing and HOLY EFF. That was epic.

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We honestly don't think we can take anymore but realise, holy crap... we STILL have to hear about the pot plant...

Back at the cocktail party – Osher breaks the news to the boys that Ryan has gone home and they are shook.

Osh puts the hard word on the boys and says, "be here for the right reasons or be square" or something like that. I dunno, I'm so tired.

Sophie looks incredible in that red dress and of course Jarrod takes her aside when she arrives because..... UGH.

Sophie admits to him that her plant has sprouted which is hilarious because she’s never given life to anything.

Jarrod’s plant is not growing however, and maybe it’s because he “gave her more seeds”.

“I put my own seeds in my own holes” and I really don’t know what they’re talking about anymore.

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Jarrod dobbs on da boyz because he thinks they may have “sabotaged” the plant, so he heads back to the group to suss it out.

Basically, there is a lot of shifty eyes, guilty smiles and Blake (who is definitely the culprit) saying he didn't do it... 

“Can you smell urine on the plant?” Mackane asked, to which James adds: "There is no plant..." Hahah oh James.

Sam talks to us about the "creepy seed plant" and not to leave it lying around the pool because of course it would be tampered with.

“To link the name Blake with the word pee, could be fact,” he said.

WUT???

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No! NO!!!!! THIS IS AMAZING.

Someone (definitely Blake) has URINATED into Jarrod's pot plant. STOP. IT. This is soooooooo good.

“You can grow grapes but you can’t grow a Viagra tree or whatever it’s called,” Blake says. 

Oh lord, Jarrod is PISSED.

"Sophie is not after a child," Jarrod says. She’s not after a stage 5 clinger either, J- Man.

He then shares empty threats and honestly, everyone hates Jarrod and so do we. Moving on.

(Please nothing else happen because I don’t think I can handle it anymore...)

Rose ceremony. Thank the lord.

Can we just take a moment to look at the beautiful placement of these roses.

Every week I think this and think of the production intern who has to place them... Bless you child.

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James. Mack. Stu. Blake (who pisses in a pot). Jarrod (WHY??). Sam. (WHY??). Luke. Apollo. AJ. all remain "safe" for another week.

Laters to that poor Guy whose name I can never remember… Oh.

Finally, previews are shown for next week and they're still talking about that goddamn plant....

FIN.

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