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Wait, What Just Happened? A Bachelorette Recap

It's finally here.
The very first episode of The Bachelorette, we've ALL been dying to see! 
And ya know what, it absolutely did not disappoint.
Here are all the thoughts I had while watching the very first episode. You're welcome.
  1. Oh em gee you guys, it's starting!! SQUEEEEEE!
  2.  Guys, it's Osher – and he is looking fiiiiine!
  3. Enter our "massive genuine bogan who doesn't want to look like a tool".
  4. Sophie we love you already. And your dog. Can he stay in the house?
  5. I've stopped listening because your dog is amazing and his name is Rupert.
  6. Tourism Queensland is getting their moneys worth. The Gold Coast looks amazing.
  7. Sophie wants someone like her Dad but "handsomer". And more masculine. Lol. Poor Sophie's Dad.
  8. Sophie just said she wished she could invite her sister on the dates and Us too Sophie. Us too.
  9. Sophie looks incredz in that dress. She's such a babe.
  10. "So awkward and worst flirt you've ever met". Could you be more relatable, Soph? 
  11. Sophie is really vulnerable and I want her to have EVERYTHING. Everyone give Sophie your best men!
  12. She is so stunning. **putting away chocolate and wine to look like Sophie"... Not gonna lie... The chocolate and wine is still here... 
  13. The time is NOW! YESSSSSS…. I love the script on this show.
  14. This music though. I'm so emotional. And the rose petals. And the garden. And Osher… and stop it. STOP IT RIGHT NOW BACHELORETTE. You've got me hook. You gone and got me!
  15. What is the actual budget on this show? There are so many roses and perfect petals and lanterns and this is like $50,000 minimum.
  16. Sophie is nervous and it's gorgeous and it makes us love her even more.
  17. No one wants someone prettier or shorter than them…
  18. They've really spruced Osh Kosh up this season… babe.
  19. Sophie feels like Cinderella and she's about to meet her Prince…
  20. OMG MAGIC. This guy magical AND hot… Apollo.
  21. "You're looking smoking" he says with all the cheese.
  22. "I always thought magicians were Nerdburgers". Lol. Let's bring this word back!
  23. Apollo thinks Sophie is stunning and Apollo thinks Sophie is stunning, but he also thinks he himself is stunning…
  24. I feel like he's about to say - "Are you a fruit? Coz you're a fine-apple". Ugh. Not my scene. You're not Lee Elliot mate.
  25. Is this guy for reals 24? He looks 34…
  26. "He can turn a napkin into a rose, imagine what he can turn a bed sheet into…" HAHA winky winky!
  27. This is the longest first meeting EVER. Ugh. I just went to the loo, refilled my wine and checked instagram.
  28. Jarrod manages a vin-YARD in Victoria. Not a vineyard. A vin-YARD.
  29. Sophie likes wine, he makes wine… see where I'm going with this…
  30. "I definitely need a girl, I'm patting an alpaca". Lol. Poor Jarrod.
  31. Wine is her "hobby AND passion", drinking it not making it… Sophie is relatable on so many levels.
  32. Grape crushing together? **Yelling at TV** The dressss! The dresss!!
  33. Sophie sang for the troops in Timor and we love her even more.
  34. Jarrod is very "impressive" and a "real man". What happens to the leftovers on this show? #askingforafriend.
  35. Ali G in da house. Ali G. #EdenWhatAreYouDoing
  36. OMG NO. Stop. What is he doing. NO. STOP. MY EYES! MY EYES.
  37. He's actually kinda hot – dreamy eyes, but still an absolute NO.
  38. Did he just imply she's old??? OMG This has to stop. He bought a beatbox "Because it's out of fashion." I'm shaking my head in shame.
  39. James is a legit cutey pie. And he smells good. And I think I'm in love with him. And he just gave her a rose quartz pendant… and he had me at "hello" to be honest.
  40. Hi James, it's me. Please keep smiling...
  41. "Left darling…" LOL I love this guy. Matty J 2.0.
  42. Smooth move using kids and these kids are so gorgeous and so honest.
  43. Best thing their Uncle has ever done – "Taken us to Target". Lol. We love him already.
  44. Uncle Sam needs to cut his hair and he would be hot AF. Also, pretty sure Jake wore that suit last season... and every other Bachie male ever.
  45. But he's great with kids. So there's that.
  46. "Ugh normal, adult man, human". HA! That was too good.
  47. Is Jourdan 12 years old. And where did he put his socks.
  48. Ewwww Sophie and Jordan to play hide n seek? What are they going to be hiding?????? Oh. He's hiding. SNOOZE.
  49. Luke is "giddy" and a GIANT. He's really tall and handsome with big hands and big feet... first thing I saw from the limo. Good hands. Yup. **Wins**.
  50. Let's skim through all the duds shall we? Pizza box with roses, weird hair, more napkins… oh it's a t-shirt he made, a horse and DABBING. NO.
  51. I always get really really nervous when the guitar comes out but it's kinda cute… Oh it's Mackane. Mack. I get it…. Thank god he calls himself Mack.
  52. He really needs to stop singing NOW.  Guys, I have Mack in the office sweep but I feel like I've lost already.
  53. Ooooh yes! Here's the entrepreneur of the season. Sam 2.0.
  54. "My parents have given me pretty good genes…" Bye Blake. 
  55. Why are "entrepreneurs" on these shows such wankers??
  56. This present is awesome but he's legit buying her love with the keeping her cozy stuff.
  57. Dear Channel 10, please give Blake a modelling contract so we don't have to watch anymore of him…
  58. Blake ACTUALLY thinks he #nailedher. No no no no no.
  59. Say douche one more time Uncle Sam….
  60. Ryan in a suit. Maybe Yes. Ryan in that olive green shirt. ABSOLUTELY NOT.
  61. Ryan is GRILLING her and he needs to be sent home immediately.
  62. "I thought you had better taste than that," he said. She does have better taste. Bye Ryan.
  63. Uncle Sam looks like Brad Pitt and I'm actually all for it.
  64. I feel like this is another season of "Australia's Next Bromance"
  65. Ryan you are the absolute worst.
  66. Osh Kosh Begosh is here! Geddon lads!
  67. These guys have really been drinking… a lot.
  68. SHOCK TWIST!! The "Double Delight" rose? TWO SINGLE DATES!! Better than the weird secret garden thing last season.
  69. "That's more than one…" - Bingham.  Ummm. Yes. Two is more than one... Is this a centre for kids that can't read good...?
  70. "It looks like she's come down from heaven" – Luke. What is up with these guys?
  71. Ryan legit just pulled a Kanye. Ryan is a snake. Tay Tay will sing about him on her next album.
  72. He didn't even let her speak and I cannot deal with that.
  73. SAVAGE. Word of the season.
  74. Is anyone else scared of Ryan and his eyebrow?? 
  75. Ryan wants to know if Sophie is in it for the right reasons. This guy is like every stage 10-control freak that ever uploaded his freaky profile to Tinder.
  76. Ryan is most def a Producer's plant.
  77. I just realised who Hayden looks like. Colonel Mustard. Hayden is Colonel Mustard's son. I have no idea what he's saying now because I cannot un-see it. And I'm sorry.
  78. "A bunch of pigeons with a chip…" #straya
  79. "GAME ON". "GLOVES ARE ON". "IT'S WAR". Pfft. Men.
  80. Guys, Jourdan is a little bit weird. SO WEIRD. I don't think he knows what a "bro code" is. Does he have any bros?
  81. I really like Jarrod. He seems very mature. And dimples. So…
  82. Speaking of vein... Pan to Blake. LOL.
  83. Jarrod was called "beefcake" at school and I just want to hug him and his vin-YARD now. And I'm so proud of him because he just seems wonderful.
  84. Sophie is getting them drunk…which I love.
  85. Jourdan is crying and I don't know what to do with myself. Do I look away, do I cry with him? I kind of agree with the guys at this point though.
  86. "Someone get this guy a tissue." "Do not get him a tissue." Blake and Ryan ARE NOT having it.
  87. OMG!!! There's a goddamn SEA OTTER in the goddamn SWIMMING POOL! WHAT?? This is the… oh. It's a possum.
  88. The man buns vs the clean cuts. Sounds like an epic battle in "West Side Story".
  89. DANCE OFF!!!!! Yasssssss! "Orange mocha frapaccino…"
  90. WHAT. IS. HAPPENING. RIGHT. NOW. With Colonel Mustard's son?
  91. That is disgusting. But also amazing. What is he doing with his hands? UNDIES. He pulled out his UNDIES.
  92. This is the best first ep of the Bachelorette EVER.
  93. UNDIE RUN. This is PERFECT.
  94. I really want to know how much alcohol has been consumed, but at the same time… this is really great.
  95. I know James is a bit shorter – but I'm all for him and his handsomeness and beard and smile.
  96. Has Ryan ever met himself?  Because I don't think he has.
  97. "Holy Dooly". Guys, Luke has the best sayings. "Giddy". He reminds me of that time Hugh Grant said "Oopsy daisy" in Notting Hill and now I'm just convinced Luke is every leading man in every romantic comedy ever.
  98. Uncle Sam is honestly amazing. And it's not a joke. And YES. He accepted the double delight rose. Least predictable frontrunner in Bachelor history...
  99. "I've lost my heartbeat for a second"- Uncle Sam. I think I just melted.
  100. This is so intense – is there always a rose ceremony on the first night??
  101. My heart is racing. I'm already in love with at least 10 of these men.
  102. I love when Osher does the maths... very easy to understand.
  103. Apollo. Luke. Jarrod. (He's slightly dying inside with happiness). YASS James. Harry. Bingham. Blake. (P.S Sophie is gorgeous) Eden. Mack. Jourdan (WHAT???). Jefferson. Brett. Pete.
  104. RYAN???? RYAN???? RYAN??? NO. Ugh. Producer's pick FO SURE.
  105. "Dabsolutely?" Colonel Mustard Jnr. No.
  106. I don’t even know who Chad and Jamie are? So I guess it's OK they're gone.
  107. PHEW. That. was absolutely EPIC.
  108. Tomorrow looks great because the shirts come off and thank you once again Channel 10.
  109. Well-played Bachelorette. Well played.
  110. Is it tomorrow yet?

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