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If Spiders Wanted To Eat Us, We'd Be Gone Within A Year

Okay, there's about to be a barrage of terrible, horrifyingly awful news. 

So to soften the blow, these facts will be broken up by goat gifs.

According to an article in Science of Nature, spiders eat between 400 million and 800 million TONS of prey each year.

By comparison, we eat 400 million tonnes of fish and meat per year, and since I've never seen a spider eating a salad (except that time I found a dead spider in a lettuce I'd just bought) spiders eat more meat than we do.

The total mass of all adults on the planet is estimated to be 316.3 million tons. 

So even if spiders were getting ready for a wedding, they would easily consume every adult on the earth and then use their THOUSANDS OF EYES to look for seconds.

Will the kids save us?  Nope. 

Despite the constant news reports that our kids (humans, not goats) are overweight, Children of Earth only weigh a total of 70 million tons. 

So the spiders would eat them too, and then sit around wondering why UberEats has stopped delivering.

To arrive at these sweat-inducing conclusions, scientists used a fact that will make you poop your human pants; the average number of spiders per square metre is 131.  131!!! 

And when you take into account the deserts and oceans, that means there are places in the world TEEMING with the little 8-legged buttholes. 

Don't look behind you. 

Or under your chair. 

Or in your hair.

FYI, the total weight of all spiders on the planet is around 25 million tons, equal to 478 Titanics or... 25 million me's-after-Christmas.

We need to find a new, spiderless planet.  

Like, now. 

Oh, and all these cute goats?  Once the spiders have eaten us, they'll most likely start on the goats. 

Merry Christmas.

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