According To Science, There Are Four Types Of Drunk People
Some scientists dedicate their lives to curing world hunger while others focus on more important things, like how to be better in bed and the nasty side effects of anal sex.
This research, though, came from a good place; psychology whizzes at the University of Missouri have published a study categorising the four different types of "drunk" people can be, in an attempt to help party-goers better understand unlawful or dangerous drinking habits.
So they rounded up close to 400 undergrads, presumably popped some bottles and then created a drunks-for-dummies bingo card based on pop-culture and literary references.
Which one are you?
The Mary Poppins
Come on, you know the type. They're basically Betty Crocker crossed with Bambi, all sweetness and light and letting you use their lipstick in the bathroom. The Mary Poppins is your ideal drinking partner; they can talk you into any nightclub and out of any sticky situation, mainly because they're so goshdarn adorable. You can usually spot a Mary Poppins in the sober world but their gorgeousness is only magnified a couple of G&Ts in.
The Ernest Hemingway
This category is based on a quote from the man himself, who once claimed he could "drink hells any amount of whiskey without getting drunk". Everyone has a mate who can work their way through an entire case and still walk a straight line, and the Ernest is no different. According to the study, though, most people fall into this category.
The Nutty Professor
The Nutty Professor, just like their namesake, is your quiet, shy friend who turns into the loud, proud party animal of your crew as soon as the wine is uncorked. Chief identifying factors are an abundance of enthusiasm, lots of "Woo-Woos!!" and a collection of traffic cones piling up in the corner of their bedroom.
The Mr Hyde
Old mate here is the one you really need to look out for; your Mr Hyde morphs from a smart, funny and responsible human to an angry, riled up mess after a couple of schooners. In the study's own words, he (or she) is "less than average in conscientiousness, intellect and agreeableness when drunk." This is probably the point where you, being the wonderful friend you are, need to step in and gently point out the negative effect alcohol is having on them.
Knowledge is power, people.
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